Reviewing the bollywood reviewers

A good friend of mine from punjab requested me to post a write-up on the way our Bollywood film critics review films these days.So here goes.Well It is kind of ironic to say that "critics suck" cause if criticizing films suck than what about those who criticise the one who criticise films?? But unlike many of our desi pundits i have the common sense to admit that opinions are like assholes and that everyone has got one! Every second internet addict has become a film critic these days especially after the twitter boom.The reviews of these experts is no different from that of the general fan-boys with the exception that these critics get paid for doing what they do..however these internet addict film reviewers are less wrong when compared to how wrong our expert pundits are.Read on...

Some of the most popular Bollywood film critics are Taran Adarsh,Rajeev Masand and Raja Sen among others. Lets go through some of the pathetic yet disturbing ways they review films..pathetic because it just isn`t right and disturbing because there are thousands of people who might decide to go for a film or not based on their reviews.
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Taran,If you are going to reflect just the popular opinion(the masses) than why the hell do we need you? We can simply ask any roadside romeo or even our watchman or clerk on their opinion about the latest friday release.

Anurag Kashyap on Taran Adarsh-

"Taran Adarsh is the son of the person who made the film "Gupt Gyan". It is Taran's favorite movie. Whatever he knows about cinema is from that movie."

Although Taran`s knowledge about the artistic nuances of cinema is less than my dead great grand mother`s cinematic knowledge ,i still appreciate him for one reason that he does`nt force his opinion on the readers much and also maintains a decent standard in terms of language usage while reviewing films which the next bunch of critics do not..

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Rajeev Masand has a high taste in cinema which is an acquired taste after watching dozens of films from Honduras,Slovakia and other countries which you might have not even heard of. It is a good thing but why judge commercial masala bollywood films on the same scale as the 2-3 offbeat Dutch films that he saw? and most importantly why this huge bias for movies of Karan johar and Farah Khan? Where does his "sensible filmi khopdi" go while reviewing their films?
He even had the audacity to call a superstar like Akshay kumar as "jackass" openly in twitter to all his admirers,maybe if he had spent more time in the gym or actually doing something productive and developed at-least 1% the personality that Akshay is ,he could actually get some real admirers.

However Rajeev has come up with some really interesting points in some of his reviews and so is worth of a little appreciation which the next critics are totally not worth of.

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Yes,Khalid who made apologetic films on feminism like Fiza,Silsilay,Tehzeeb has been trashing films non stop for the last several years.
Talented film-maker Anurag Kashyap on Khalid mohammad-

"Chutiye tu retire ho ja , tera time khatam.”

As far as Raja Sen goes...he is`nt a reviewer. He is not a trade analyst.All he is, is a gimmick.He is born in this planet only for entertaining REDIFF users.Check out the comments under any of his reviews that he posts in REDIFF,trust me you will die laughing all day.Statistics say that 95% reviews of his film fail to cross the 2/5 rating mark.In one of his article he even bashed up films of kamal hassan and suggested him to make slapstick films,can you believe that!!


I do believe that a film is a commercial product and that everyone has the right to express what they thought about it but...SHUT THE FUCK UP U IDIOTS!! An expert critic does`nt force the reader/viewer not to watch the film but actually reviews it by presenting the film in a larger context such that the viewer will be able to decide for himself whether he would like to watch it or not.A good film critic will not just point at all the short comings of the film but will also rant on how the film could have been better or how the director should have handled the short comings.Please stop screaming your lungs out that how so and so actor or director`s career is finished . These aren`t reviews but just a pathetic attempt in displaying your humor.No one has the ability to speak on behalf of millions of people,not even God!

The only reviews which i found unbiased and intelligent were that of Bharadwaj Rangan and sadly most of them have`nt even heard of him.So does it mean that you get noticed and your reviews are read by a majority only if they are controversial or stupid? god only knows!

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Posted below are some of the shocking yet hilarious ratings by Taran Adarsh and Rajeev Masand:-


TARAN ADARSH

dev-d (1/5)
"There's no harm if you pick up an enticing story and tell it your way, but Kashyap goes a bit too far, crosses all limits and tends to get abstract once again. And that's the reason for DEV D's downfall. Watching DEV D is akin to doing atyachaar on oneself! On the whole, DEV D is NO SMOKING II. Does one elaborate more?"
[Did u even understand both the films u idiot?]

karzzzz 4/5
"At the box-office, the film should fetch a thunderous start and in due course, should be amongst the biggest achievers of the year in terms of business. Reincarnation themes have a super-successful track record, right from KARZ to KARAN ARJUN to OM SHANTI OM. Now add KARZZZZ to this list. Damn the pseudo critics who even rubbished KARZ three decades ago. Go by your instinct and have a blast!"
[pseudo critics eh?? FU]

Rang de basanti 2/5
"A.R. Rahman's music is ordinary. Barring Paathshala and the title track, Rahman's score doesn't stay with you after the screening has ended.Also, RANG DE BASANTI unfolds at a leisurely pace all through. After establishing the characters in the first 30 minutes, the story doesn't really race forward. The sepia-tone parallels are engaging at times, not always. Besides, the message that the film carries with it tends to get diluted towards the climax."

Kabhi alvida na kehna 4.5/5
"This is SRK's finest work after D.D.L.J."


Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham:-
"It has style, substance, it takes challenges and doesn't follow formulas -- and that is its biggest strength."
[LOL LOL LOL ,speechless]

Chak De India 2/5
"At best, it may attract attention initially thanks to the star power and the Numero Uno production house promoting it aggressively. But that's about it! "

and the worst of all,Krrish 4.5/5
"Free as a bird, he runs like the wind..Like an eagle, he soars across rivers and mountain tops..As a lion, he conquers rugged rocks without fear"
[WTF??????can there be a more immature review than this?]

DCH- 2/5,veer zara 4.5/5,dhoom2 4.5/5,singh is kinng 4/5,welcome 4/5,thoda pyar thoda magic 4/5

There are many more such examples.

There are many fans of Taran Adarsh who claim that he is a trade analyist and not a critic and an accurate trade anayist at that.That is false, he is far from accurate even when considered as a trade anayist for he has given 4/5 ratings for disasters like loc kargil,paheli,eklavya,karzzz etc and a 2/5 rating for big hits like rnbdj,kmg,rdb etc




RAJEEV MASAND
His comments on KURBAAN:-
"Stripped to its bone, Rensil D'silva's Kurbaan is an edge-of-the-seat thriller that seldom loses its grip on your attention.Credible performances from its leads, and a nail-biting screenplay make up for the plot holes that threaten to eat into this otherwise engaging film."


Rajeev`s ratings:

MNIK-3/5 , kank- 4/5 , oso-3/5 and a thumbs up for kurbaan,dostana,main hoon na etc while thumbs down for majority of the other commercial/masala Bollywood films.
Whats even more shocking are ratings like 2/5 for Clooney`s superb oscar nominated film called "Michael clayton" and a 3/5 for retiesh deshmukh`s aladin which is probably Bollywood`s biggest disaster ever.